make new friends but keep the old

today i am at work, i am bored out of my mind...last night was not a good night for me, i almost lost another friend in my fenton group, i was told the same thing i heard from asshole stephen, that i was crazy and i had bs. sooo that leaves to think, am i crazy or am i just completly missunderstood.
I mean i have my freinds from st.es, they get me fine and if i was ever called crazy its bc i would do stupid shit..maybe i never really allowed myself to get completly close to my summit friends, with the exception of 3.one being kelsey, who abandoned me has a friend for the guy that fucked me over. losing a best friend was hard, so my cure for that was shutting up, hiding my emeotions and feelings. my other two good friends sarah and rachel will always be my friends regardless of what may come between us. so i guess with my summit friends i learned to lock it up. close my feelings and pretend my life was the best, when inside it was falling apart. sometimes i think, what if i stopped hanging around them would it matter, would they care? i mean as long as stephen was around, no one really mentions my name, he has learned to hate it.
so that leaves my st.e friends that i will have no matter what, we have known each other since we were all five, going to school together until we were 14. 9 years, they were my family, 9 years we shared gaining new friends, not as individuals but as a group. when highschool i was nervous i would lose them, but after those 4 years, i still had all of them..first year of college out of the way, and we are still farting adn laughing at each other, playing games all night in someones basement. ...we are still watching the class video, and we are still doing the same stupid shit we always did.
its like when we all get together, its like we never really grew up, we will forevver be lost in time, and that itself is priceless and worth keeping around.

dads are overrated

alright well its been forever since i posted something, but i guess life got in the way...hardly anyone reads this so i feel its the most realible place to share my feelings, so here it goes.
so much is going on right now. i havent talked to my dad in weeks..i honestly dont know him. he lost his job awhile back and has failed to look for one and even try to make things better, he is now living with my gma in her 2 bedroom apartment...my parents are divoreced so in the argreement they made when they split up was that he would have to pay for part of my college, with no job it leaves me to pick uo his slack...i have no money at all.
my dad told me to fuck off and hung up on me, he has yet to call me back or even say sorry. im sitting here looking at his fathers day gift as i type, i wonder if he will ever get...he even tried to make me feel bad bc on fathers day i didnt have it.
so thats my dad, i will prob end up not having him in my life which is unfortunate bc everyone needs a dad, but i have spent my whole life taking care of my dad and being the adult. and all i do is get shit on.
there is so much more but illl save that foe a rainy day.

just deal with it

ok lets see, i have to write a new post, because im tired of looking at the hansons...but again i dont know what to write about..there is alot on my mind...latley ive been wondering what is better let your feelings out even if it causes a fight or keep it in and avoid a fight when things are good? If i was asked that question 3 or 4 years ago i would be all about keeping them in. I learned too, i had to. Almost my whole life i had to keep to my feelings from my dad to avoid getting a wall punched or things broken. It the same way i lived, as far as i knew, i didnt have feelings.
Now i am in a relationship where i am happier then i have ever been and my feelings are so strong, but from time to time there are things on my mind. I have tried sharing my feelings, but it never ends well, not as bad as walls getting punched, but i just dont know sometimes if its worth to share my feelings...its not healthy, but like ive always been told sometimes you just "got to deal with it"

change-its a funny thing

alrighty then..again i have nothing to write about but just have a dying urge to write...i just started thinking of everything i wanted to do as a kid, and how none of it happened..im thinkin one of these days im going to knock off everything on that list from when im a kid, i mean how can i create a bucket list for my life now if i havent even finished mine from when i was young. so here it is my bucket list as a kid

1.go to a Hanson concert
2.Play hockey
3.Have a pink sprakle drumset and learn to play
4.start a band
5.learn to figure skate

the Hanson concert will happen-bc i still love them boys
hockey will happen hopefully-if not i hope my kids want to
drumset-uhh, well i dont really see myself in a band anymore, but i would still love you learn to play drums
figure skate sure why not, i would love to be that loser in the center of the ice at rinks doing twirls while others go in the circle around the rink.

also has a kid i hoped to have a brown lab named hipcheck-im still working on that one

its funny how things change and how some never will.

love the life you live.and live the life you love.

i've been lagging in my posts and have got yelled at by my dear friend lauren...the problem is i dont know what to write about. My mind has been all over the place these past couple of weeks and i know theres so much i can write about, but to get it down is so hard.
One thing on my mind lately is inspiration. What does it mean to you? I am in a teacher development program at MU and that question was brought up. To me inspiration means to lift ones hopes and goals and motivate them in a positive way to be the best they can be. Being a teacher, i hope to do that, but in everyday life, i hope to do this to. Its amazing how much one person can make a difference, and that one person has the power to inspire others.
In class we also talked about bucket lists(things to do before you)and the importance of this. I think that it is important to have these because it keeps people reaching for thier goals, even when they seem impossible and so far away. Everything is possible, you just have to prove yourself wrong. so go out and do it.
here is my bucketlist:
1.Fall in love
2.get married and have a family
3.Publish a book
4.Live in a different country
5.Have a photo gallery
6.Visit every state
7.Travel-Visit all continents
8.Go on a road trip with no destination
9.Witness a miracle-find something to believe in
10.Learn to play the guitar
11.Learn to forgive
12.Be part of a cause
13.Coach Lacrosse
more to come

why do bad things happen to good people?

i just have to sit and wonder why? my dad is losing his job and will be losing his house soon, i mean with this economy it is no surpise, but why does it have to happen to the good people? Everyday i hear of a friends parent who is losing their job, or I'll hear that my good friends dad has cancer after her mom just got treated for breast cancer...this leads me to wonder do things just happen for a reason? does everything that happens, happens for a reason? i've never really been a believer of it, but lately i have been thinking it could be a possibility. I not a big believer in god, how could he allow this much pain to someone, how could he allow two very religious parents to get cancer? why not the drug dealer? or the man who killed someone? These questions all lead me to believe that if there is a god, he lets these things happen for a reason. To open our eyes to our life. maybe we complian about it wasting away, and we need a reason to make it worth something. maybe things happen to show you that what you have isnt what you want. maybe things happen to make you appreciate your life more. so why my dad is losing his job and house, im not sure what the meaning behind that is, but in time everything that happens, happens for a reason and in the end works out, and your life goes on.

This is a Vente

There is so much to say about these group of girls. They changed my summer this year,they changed the outlook i have on people, and they opened my mind to new things. It all started at a starbucks. My friend gina and I came one night, like many other nights, as we were paying i saw behind me two girls in bright colors, loud as can be. Doing something i regret now, i classified them as annoying. Gina went to school with them, but didnt really know them. We went on our way, the next few nights and weeks we found that we all had something in common. we loved late night starbucks, and the hottie behind the counter.
This soon became our routine, we would all meet up at SB (trying to give it a more club like name, makes it sound a lil cooler) We have also gone with 24 because it was a 24 hour starbucks.
SB became our meeting spot and sometimes our ending spot. Before we would go out for the night we would meet to get our coffee fix and our "dom" fix. Other nights we would go out and somehow end up at starbucks. Sometimes we would be the only ones in there at 2 in the morning..loud as can be.
We became regulars and claimed our seats in the back.
The workers became our freinds. drinks became free. and food became free as well..sometimes...if you stole it.
While there we would talk about everything, our boy problems..our "hate list" we shared our first tattoos together there. and we also played egyiptain rat screw- a very intense game when playing with irene.
she would always win and we swore she cheated, but in all reality we couldnt slap fast enough or forgot about the jack/ten rule.
These 3 girls became my family that summer. we went to dance parties, we went to house parties and of course SB almost every night.
We saw sisterhood of the traveling pants 2 and sex and the city together. and while in the movie we sat there and decided who each one of us four were in each movie.
Then the summer ended. I was going away to school, and Irene was torn on going to Utah, which she finally decided to go to. Gina and Maria were left in the STL, but were torn by different schools. Our pack that had been so close seemed so far away.
On our final night of the summer we all meet at starbucks. We sat there all night. This is the night that opened my eyes to how kind people can be.
Irene had bought us each a claddagh ring. The ring stands for friendship, love and loyalty. These rings would keep us together while we were away.
I was blown away to get a gift from someone i had just met that summer. It made me want to cry. How can someone be so caring and compassionate.
These girls opened my eyes. They taught me to give people a chance before you judge, they taught me to laugh at myself, they taught me there is more to do in the STL then i thought. and they showed me how close people can become in such a short time.
and it ended at a Starbucks
I love these girls!

Come Away With Me

I'm having a hard time trying to find the words for this picture. It is a picture of Italy and lately all i have been thinking about is going away. My dream has and always will be to travel, but sometime in my life i hope to go to a foreign land, like Italy, and live off the land. I want no possesions, nothing.
I will not argue it is nice to have nice things, but its when they consume the way you live you have problems. Take my mother for example she has to have the finest things and updates the house when it looks fine. Sometimes i feel like i live a double life, because my dad lives a completely different life. He lives a laid back life, with little to none valuable possessions. They dont matter to him, his friends and family come first.
so my point to this is after living with my mom, and seeing the way "things" control the way she lives, i have decided that everyone once in thier life needs a wake up call to what is important in their lives.

its all happening

This is the title of my life. My best freind Gina and I use this sentence for everything. When something big or new happens in our lives, we say "its all happening" what is happening i dont really know. I assume life, but life is always happening. Sometimes i think that i am waiting for my life to begin, to really get out in the world and do something, instead of being confined to a small room, laying in my bed sitting on my computer. I always seem to wonder, what is really happening? what makes our lives worth wild?-I can sit and make a list of what i think or write down ideas that dont even make sense to me, because at the end of the day, it doesnt matter, we all have to prepare for the next day and what it will bring us.
The phrase "its all happening" keeps me on my toes, gives me the push to make something "happen" that day in my life. This phrase is also from the movie Almost Famous, which also inspires me to try to live my life Spontaneously and to go with the flow and see where life can take me. I'm not sure where life is taking me or when ill ever reach my destination, but its all happening

first post

I'm new to this whole blogging thing. I'm hoping it will help me clear my mind. Maybe it will help me get out what i really want to see or what i really mean to say since i can have a hard time doing that.